A Flawed Attemp to Express How I'm Feeling Part 2

Purpose

I am here for something amazing.
Something so jaw dropping
That if you knew it, you would burst.
Something so glorious,
It would outshine the sun on a summers day

This something will not be cheap.
It will not be the dollar store tiara
That is beautiful today, but tomorrow the paint chips
And you see what it really is:
Plastic.

Dull.

Cheap.

It is gold! sapphires, diamonds,
But more, and with exquisite flavor, smell, texture.

Yet this something eludes me.
Like a smell I once knew.
Like a memory just out of my grasp.
Like a hint of melody that I cannot place.

I know it is because I sleep and have not woken.
One cannot see, smell, taste while asleep.
And will I wake?
For the nursemaid of this world knows the sweetest lullabies.

But I would not know it if I should wake!
Though it would blind me if I saw it plain.
It is disguised.
Eschewed from what it IS.
Made up to be a common trinket.
Not worthy of note.

God help me wake! Help me fight.
Fight to know the truth.
For it is the Truth, and only the Truth, who can show me this glorious thing,
Who will help me believe what it truly is,
For who can see in a darkness where there is no light?

A Flawed Attempt to express How I'm Feeling Part 1

More
I glimpsed it for a moment.
As one catches the sight of the sun through an overcast sky.
"I am made for more," it seemed to say.
More

Than humdrum

More

Than menial

More

Than mediocre.

More...just More

I saw how I must fight.
Fight to be this "more."
In an instant, it was gone.
Gone. Like a waft of air reminding me of spring.
Gone. Like a brief scent reminding me of one I loved.
Gone.

gone...

The clouds are back.
The cold desperate confusion of this life,
Is back.

But.

I know there is a "more" to be had.
Somewhere.
I don't know if I will ever find it,
But if I do. If I can...Oh Then! Yes!
Then.

Weakness and Doubt

I'm tired. Physically yes. bed soon, but more than that. I've felt this for a while now...It's linked to a mild depressive state i know, but i think it's more than that. I'm...tired. I want to go home...I want to hold and be held. I hope to find things like this in my life, but it'll never be the same as really being home and being held by the lover of my soul. 60 or so years and counting...it looks so far away from this end of life. I need to live now more. Love people when i can more. I'm here to do that. A light in this world...but the world's really dark. Like...really dark, and I'm a dim light...God can make me brighter. he has. I love what he's done with me so far...not what i was expecting. he's really a great artist and part of me believes that it's better to be here for now...he's making something for Himself that he's gonna really like and that's extremely cool but...i'm ready for him to put the finishing touches on and take me home. ah well.

I was listening to a song that says "you're beautiful. You are treasured you are sacred you are his." I don't believe that. I don't feel beautiful or treasured or sacred...but I've got to be. I believe so many lies...i'm fighting. I'm tired of fighting...i'm crazy weak. I lose so often. God's strong. That's what i need. But I'm really exhausted emotionally and spiritually. have been for a while. Ah well, i know we struggle against powers...i just don't like it. But it's good. i know it is. It's so good I can't begin to talk about it unless you know how good it is too...and then it's not words, it's just knowing that the other person knows how good it is as well. so, i hope i remember how good life with God is tomorrow...that'd make for a great day.