I've been dealing with a wall against pain and vulnerability for as long
as I can remember. There was something of a break there between 2005
and 2009, but since then the wall has been back higher and thicker than
before. It's kept me from loving, It's hurt others, and most importantly
it's kept me from actually communing with God.
This wall was built to protect me.
I'm a naturally very sensitive person, though you'd have to know me well to know that. I tend towards harsh words and looks of indifference, and if that's hurt or distanced anyone reading this (I know it has some), I cannot tell you how sorry I am. Owing to this sensitivity, I have experienced much pain from things that others would be able to handle with fortitude.
This wall was built against pain.
I've been through pain that would have led to attempted suicide and institutionalization if I had not gotten the help I had when I did. It wasn't till this spring that I realized that. I knew I was afraid of pain. I knew I'd been through some serious pain. But I hadn't realized I was afraid of pain because I was afraid it would drive me diagnosably crazy. It's kinda like someone who's had a near death experience in a car crash being wary of driving. I couldn't and still can't trust God to not let that happen, but I can learn to trust that He will be with me and love and care for me even if that does happen.
This wall is held together by lies.
As I've grown, I've come to realize that what keeps my wall up is a lie. Actually a few lies, but one big one in particular: I am not acceptable to and secure in God. That is the lie that has dogged me from my earliest memories. There have been many many times where that lie has been enforced and I have incorporated that experience as "another brick in the wall". So here I sit behind a wall that keeps "pain" out because I do not believe God can deal with it. Because I do not believe I am worthy of God dealing with it. A wall that keeps God and others out, and me in. A wall so thick and high that I don't know how to tear it down even now that I want to.
This wall must come down.
My sensitivity is a gift from God. I've realized that over the years. I can feel with people, I can weep at the grief in the world, I can scream in the agony of the cross, I can dance with joy in the resurrection, I can cry joyfully as I hear stories about people getting to know God. It makes me "weak", but that is also a gift. It is hard for me to stand firm emotionally and mentally on my own without God's help. As much as it can suck, it reminds me of where my strength is. But I've walled in my gift because it hurt and I couldn't trust God with my hurt...But he's good with a sledge hammer/ball wrecker.
This wall is showing gaps.
God's been punching through my wall for a couple years now. Each time he exposes a bit more of my pain to his love. His love sounds comfy...and it is, but not when it's searing through your pain like a hot poker burning out the infection...but it's good...It's so good to get some fresh air behind my wall. God knocked out another section tonight. Tougher section than last time, but good. I hadn't realized exactly what lie I was believing till this time around. I long for this wall to drop, but it's kinda like I'm scraping away at stone with my fingernails until God shows up where I've been scraping and sets the charges...So, I really want to live in my weakness. I want to believe the truth that I am part of Christ's bride who is "beautiful...with eyes like dove's", part of his "immaculate bride". That I am fully accepted and secure in God. That no one can bring a charge against God's elect for it was Christ who died...To be gentle with those around me, to be vulnerable to the pains and joys of the world again...Please God, keep tearing down my wall
This wall was built to protect me.
I'm a naturally very sensitive person, though you'd have to know me well to know that. I tend towards harsh words and looks of indifference, and if that's hurt or distanced anyone reading this (I know it has some), I cannot tell you how sorry I am. Owing to this sensitivity, I have experienced much pain from things that others would be able to handle with fortitude.
This wall was built against pain.
I've been through pain that would have led to attempted suicide and institutionalization if I had not gotten the help I had when I did. It wasn't till this spring that I realized that. I knew I was afraid of pain. I knew I'd been through some serious pain. But I hadn't realized I was afraid of pain because I was afraid it would drive me diagnosably crazy. It's kinda like someone who's had a near death experience in a car crash being wary of driving. I couldn't and still can't trust God to not let that happen, but I can learn to trust that He will be with me and love and care for me even if that does happen.
This wall is held together by lies.
As I've grown, I've come to realize that what keeps my wall up is a lie. Actually a few lies, but one big one in particular: I am not acceptable to and secure in God. That is the lie that has dogged me from my earliest memories. There have been many many times where that lie has been enforced and I have incorporated that experience as "another brick in the wall". So here I sit behind a wall that keeps "pain" out because I do not believe God can deal with it. Because I do not believe I am worthy of God dealing with it. A wall that keeps God and others out, and me in. A wall so thick and high that I don't know how to tear it down even now that I want to.
This wall must come down.
My sensitivity is a gift from God. I've realized that over the years. I can feel with people, I can weep at the grief in the world, I can scream in the agony of the cross, I can dance with joy in the resurrection, I can cry joyfully as I hear stories about people getting to know God. It makes me "weak", but that is also a gift. It is hard for me to stand firm emotionally and mentally on my own without God's help. As much as it can suck, it reminds me of where my strength is. But I've walled in my gift because it hurt and I couldn't trust God with my hurt...But he's good with a sledge hammer/ball wrecker.
This wall is showing gaps.
God's been punching through my wall for a couple years now. Each time he exposes a bit more of my pain to his love. His love sounds comfy...and it is, but not when it's searing through your pain like a hot poker burning out the infection...but it's good...It's so good to get some fresh air behind my wall. God knocked out another section tonight. Tougher section than last time, but good. I hadn't realized exactly what lie I was believing till this time around. I long for this wall to drop, but it's kinda like I'm scraping away at stone with my fingernails until God shows up where I've been scraping and sets the charges...So, I really want to live in my weakness. I want to believe the truth that I am part of Christ's bride who is "beautiful...with eyes like dove's", part of his "immaculate bride". That I am fully accepted and secure in God. That no one can bring a charge against God's elect for it was Christ who died...To be gentle with those around me, to be vulnerable to the pains and joys of the world again...Please God, keep tearing down my wall
